Marriage in Japan
I’ve been reading a lot lately about the Japanese birth rate. Japan has one of the lowest birth rates in the world, and the population is aging rapidly – Japan’s population is actually shrinking as fewer babies are born to replace the elderly people who die. The Japanese government is concerned about the low birth rate, and apparently one of the causes is that only one in four married Japanese couples are having sex. (I knew there was a good reason not to get married!)
There has been a lot of commentary in Japan lately about how Japanese women are becoming less traditional and somewhat unwilling to give up their financial freedom to be a wife and mother. It must be men who came up with this explanation for Japan’s birth rate. Women are not to blame for Japan’s low birth rate. The problem is broader than women not wanting to be mothers – the fact is, it’s perfectly natural to want to have your own life. A lot of Japanese women no longer want the traditional Japanese ideal of marriage and family – the world has changed, and Japanese women want to change with it.
Look at it this way: when Japanese men get married, not much in their life really changes. They go to work, they go out with their friends and to the bars; their life goes on pretty much as normal. But Japanese women are expected to give up their jobs, raise children, clean house, cook dinner, and become a traditional Japanese woman – with all of the traditional limitations on their freedom and life choices. No wonder married Japanese women don’t want sex; they are exhausted!
It is about time that Japanese women took control of their own lives, including their sex lives. Cultural and social pressure should not choose how women live their lives. Japanese women should be able live life like a man if they want to: work hard, play hard, have sex with who you want to, and have the financial freedom to make that choice.
When I hear Japanese women say they just want to find a good man, get married, and push out child after child, I think good for you, but why? Do you really want that for yourself, or is it because of pressure from your family and friends to lead a more traditional life? Why don’t men have to make that choice?
Why is it okay for a man to stay single and not women? An unmarried man is called a “bachelor,” but women who do not marry before a certain age are called “old maids.” Japanese women are viewed as if something is wrong with them if they are not married and have given birth to a couple of children by age 30. Why can’t a Japanese woman be allowed to live her life her own way and be happy with that life without having a husband?
Honestly, being single and having the freedom to do what you want is fabulous. It’s no wonder that more Japanese women are choosing to extend their lives as single, independent adults with all the freedom and earning power that goes along with it.
Maybe if Japan is to overcome its demographic challenges, it is the Japanese men who will have to change. Maybe Japanese men are going to be the ones who realize that if they want to be happy in their marriages, they need to stop expecting their wives to surrender to the traditional role of wife, mother, sex doll, live-in chef and housekeeper. Japanese men and Japanese society have to learn how to create more of a space for Japanese women to be themselves and live life the way they want to, the same as it is for a man.
It’s not that I think marriage is “wrong” – I have many friends and family who are happily married. But I do think that marriage should be chosen freely by both of the people involved – marriage should not be forced on a woman because that is what her society and culture expects.
When I look at my friends who are happily married, they have organized their marriages in a way that also allow them to lead their own lives as individuals. Maybe that is the difference. The happily married women that I know do not give in to the pressures from family and friends to stay with the socially accepted role of a married woman. Instead of being confined full-time to the home, these women have jobs. Instead of being dependent on their husband’s salary, these women control their own money. Instead of sacrificing every part of their life energy to the care of their children and their husband and their home, these happily married women are able to make time for themselves and for pursuing their own interests and passions.
Marriage is an “institution,” but it shouldn’t be a prison. Until Japanese society can adjust its expectations for what a married woman’s life is supposed to be, more and more Japanese women are going to resist tying the knot.
What are your goals for marriage? What kind of marriage would you like to have with a woman someday?
Have you ever been married, or are you married now?
How does the reality of marriage compare with what you expected?
